The mental load: why mums feel like the default project manager of the family
Last Friday, I joined a panel of experts brought together by Five Hour Club and Mums Who Build to support mums with juggling careers and kids.
I talked about sharing the mental load with our partners and families to make headspace for careers, while my fellow panelists talked about confidence, finances, negotiating, and practical strategies to manage anxiety.
Through it all ran one core concept - if you can't see it, you can't change it.
What is the mental load?
You’re here. But your brain? Still at home.
You’ve made it into the meeting, or onto the school run, or maybe even just onto this page - but your mind is still busy:
Booking the dentist
Planning what to make for dinner
Remembering to reply to that email
This invisible layer of thinking is known as the mental load. It is not just a to-do list, but the shoulds, the standards, and the silent project management that never switches off.
Becoming the default parent
When my baby arrived, I took a year “off” from my charity job. (Ok, we all know this wasn’t a break! A year away maybe?) Without even noticing, I slowly became the “expert parent”. I held the invisible work and believed I should manage the GP appointments, the school forms, and the household calendar, because I had a more flexible job (side note - research shows that women often assume their role is more flexible, regardless of what it is and what their partner’s job is!).
When I returned to work, the mental load didn’t rebalance. It stayed stuck with me. Always there, unspoken, draining.
Why sharing the mental load isn’t enough
At first, I thought the answer was simple: share the mental load. Delegate more. Talk about it more.
But sharing without clear ownership backfired. The load didn’t halve. It multiplied. All I did was stress my partner out, because the responsibility was still invisible.
The real solution: reduce the mental load
Yes, sharing household tasks matters. Many dads today hold more than their fathers did, and some may even be the default parent.
But here’s the truth: if you don’t put anything down, sharing will not solve the problem.
Make the invisible visible
When the mental load stays invisible, it cannot be managed. Make it visible, and it can shrink. Visibility = value.
This is the principle I teach through the Fair Play Method and other time and stress management tools:
End the constant negotiation
No longer being the default parent
Give those pottering thoughts somewhere to land
Why reducing the mental load matters
Reducing the mental load is not about productivity or efficiency. You are already doing more than enough.
The real prize is creating space to be interesting and interested. Space to reconnect with who you are beyond “parent, partner, and provider”.
It means not waking up in 15 years, wondering what happened to the parts of you that got buried under the weight of “shoulds”.
Rule #4: Establish your values and standards
One of the most powerful rules in the Fair Play Method is Rule #4: Establish your values and standards.
Ask yourself:
What am I doing because I truly value it?
What am I doing because I feel I should?
Which standards are mine, and which did I inherit?
For example, our family realised we valued flexibility and slow weekends more than Saturday clubs. So we stopped signing up. That decision freed us from the constant “should we?” spiral whenever a new activity came up.
When you take time to understand what matters, you can let go of the stuff that doesn’t.
Reducing your mental load is not a luxury
This is not about lowering all standards or doing less-than-good-enough parenting.
It is about choosing what matters most and letting the rest go.
Reducing your mental load is not indulgent. It is not a nice-to-have.
It is a survival strategy for your energy, your relationships, and your sense of self.
Take your next step
If this resonates with you, I would love to help you start reducing your mental load.
📩 Subscribe here for practical tools, stories, and strategies to help you put some of the mental load down and reclaim space for yourself.
Because one day, your children will notice if you never put anything down. And you deserve more than survival.
